The loner

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Solitude is a state I know well.  Especially since December of 2012 when I retired.  I believe that I would spend 90% of my time in my apartment if it wasn’t for how much I love my daughter and my grandson.  I spend 3 days a week at her home caring for Logan, my grandson.  It is what keeps me from focusing too much on myself and how “lonely” I am.  It makes sense that if you are lonely, you go out and find someone, but for me it’s just too hard sometimes to go out.  I keep thinking that if only I knew why it was so hard, that I could fix it.

Most days I just want to get up, fix a cup of tea, and be alone.  The trouble with that, at least for me, is that solitude brings with it depression.  So I find reasons to get out and do things.  Even though I don’t want to leave the apartment, even if my heart rate goes up just thinking about it.

I’m visiting a glass fusing studio every week, learning how to fuse glass.   Once I’m there I’m fine.  The people who run the place, and the other students, are very nice.  Once in awhile I get someone who really wants to chat, so then I come home early.  I’m also involved as a volunteer with an art group here in Portland.  Again, I’m working with just a few people, and they are all really nice, so that works.  And the work I do for them is typically something I can do here at home.

Honestly, I consider my need for solitude as a form of a prison.  My closest friend actually gets energy from spending time with other people.  I wish that I was like that, but I’m not, so I accept that.  So my life is spent thankful that the people I love find ways to get me out of the house, and a little resentful that I have to leave my safe haven.  And a little scared of admitting all of this out loud.

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About keaneonlife

I will use this blog to reach out creatively, document the things I'm doing, what makes me happy, excited, hopeful, and maybe sometimes what makes me sad. I'll try not to bore you. I am a mother; a grandmother; a lover of my dog Aidan McCree; a glass fuser; jewelry maker; an aspiring content editor for independent authors; a retired paralegal; a soul who thinks she has something to say in writing; a volunteer for Portland Open Studios; a friend to just a few and an acquaintance of many.
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8 Responses to The loner

  1. Pingback: Search for Solitude | Wired With Words

  2. Pingback: The Value of Solitude and The Dreaded Question: “What Do You Do?” | A New Life Wandering

  3. It can be scary to admit what you think are your flaws. The good news is you’re “flawsome”! 😀

    We’re a lot alike. I really love my solitude, but most of my family and friends are extroverts, and pry me out of my apartment more often than I’d necessarily like.

    Like you, I’ve found it helps to have a few favorite places you like to go and things you like to do outside of the house. So when you do have to go, you know you’re going somewhere nice, with people who understand you and will respect your desire for quiet and a little distance.

    Here’s what I think about solitude.

  4. I too love my solitude. Luckily, my husband does too so we usually taljk each other out of going to restaurants and movies. I think it helps a lot having him here.

  5. carolahand says:

    I can relate to the conflicting emotions introversion sparks. I much prefer solitude, but it sometimes makes me feel guilty. I spent my career as a teacher, advocate, and program developer. When I look at the state of the world today, I sometimes feel I need to force myself to become involved. I have learned some skills and I would be grateful for the chance to share them. Yet when I do go to some event, I find that there is little I can do to be helpful – people in charge of various advocacy or service initiatives or agencies work from a power-over approach that I find oppressive and ineffective. I don’t feel it’s my place to criticize them – they’re trying to make things better. It’s their right to do things their way and learn their own lessons through trial and error. I also postpone going grocery shopping as long as I can – it’s a good thing I garden 🙂 . I need to be in the mood to try to make the people I encounter feel better or smile. But it is depressing to be surrounded by people who are so unaware of others around them.

    Honestly, I connect more when I’m gardening in my front yard. Neighbors stop and talk, and sometimes sit on the bench I rescued from the dump and tell me about their lives and their dreams for the future. Blogging also gives me a way to share on a deeper level. It has taken me awhile to accept that it’s okay for me to stop trying to force myself to be busy in socially acceptable ways. It’s okay to enjoy the simple things in life and be kind to the people I encounter.

    • keaneonlife says:

      I had the same problem for a few years before retirement. Not really interested in the way you did it back in the day. Personally I think the world would progress faster if they listened to us. 😉 I have found that the fact that I don’t talk a lot makes people open up to me more. I think people like to think they are heard.

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